How do I get past a difficult relationship with my soon to be stepdaughter?

I am engaged to the most amazing man ever. We have been together almost 3 years, lived together for about 2. He has a daughter from a previous relationship who will be 5 in a month. She lives with us full time (her mother rarely even calls to see how she is). I am not working and take care of her daily. he is already gone for the day when I wake her up & get her ready for pre-k. I pick her up after school, make her lunch and make sure her hair is done nice (and different) everyday. She does not listen to me, will diliberately do the opposite of what she is told. talks back when I tell her to do anything. Every time I start talking to her dad she interupts me. this behavior has not changed in over 2 years. Her dad gives her plenty of attention, they do things just them all time, he reads to her every night. When she gets in trouble with him for treating me badly, after she has been punished, he usually starts on me for the fact our relationship hasn't changed. I really have tried! I don't want to be labeled an evil stepmother! I take her shopping, introduced her to new friends, teach her easier ways to do things. I just want her to be nice to me without becoming a doormat and losing control of my own house. I know step relationships are not ever perfect, I have 2 stepparents and so does my fiance. He refuses to admit that this may be just the way things are and not just me not trying hard enough to connect. He actually said that since I am a woman there should be an automatic connection between us. believe me I wish that was the case. what to do?